Just A Few Thoughts...

This week we're going to stray a bit from the humours side of my inner thoughts and dive head first into a serious and sensitive subject that's been weighing on my mind for several weeks if not months. It's possible I just need to work these thoughts out here rather than continuing to tackle them in the jumble that is my mind.

As mentioned in a previous post, I'm getting a divorce. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I know it's a good thing, and it's something that's necessary, but still... it's an almost taboo topic and there are not many people I can talk to about it with. Sure, my family and friends would probably be fine to discuss it with and would love to offer their thoughts and opinions, but that's part of the problem. I'm sure there are good intentions, but I don't want them.

I don't want the bashing that tends to follow when his name is brought up. I don't want to trapeze down scary Memory Lane after you've made some snarky comment. Just because you don't like him, doesn't mean you need to trash him to me. I know who he is. I know what he's done; far better than any of you in fact. Hell, I lived with him for 6 years! But, just because I know what's happened, where things have gone to crap, and where things are at now... it doesn't mean I don't still care about him. There I said it. I STILL care about him so shut your face!

I shouldn't. I already know this, so save your lecture. It's not even like THAT either. I care about him as a person and a friend. After all, we were friends far before we were hubby and wife. There's probably a part of me that will always care about him. I mean, I don't LOVE him anymore, but I don't wish him ill will either. There's a grey line, ya know?

I guess it's just hard. It's hard to cut someone out of your life that's had such a monumental impact on it. We've been together for 6 years. That's six times as long as most Hollywood marriages! That means something, dang it! Granted there were crazy battles in this relationship, but there were also great victories too. We've been through a lot together and it's really hard to see that it'll come to an end. But, there's not really a choice. It has to. Right?

I always thought people who "fell out of love" were full of rap. How do you go from madly in love and can't keep your hands off each other to separate vacations and "eff you!"? How in the world does that happen?! Sadly, having gone through it myself, it's pretty easy. It can take a long time to get to that point, or it can happen really fast. But once you open your eyes to things, it's impossible to close them again.

There are so many things that make up a healthy relationship. Many things that hubby and I lack now. Things that have either disappeared, were lost, or were never there to begin with. I think that's the hardest part to accept. That what once was... may have never even been.

It's hard to think that there were parts of your marriage that were lies. Huge, HUGE lies! Not stupid little things, like you thought he liked BBQ chicken only to discover two years in that he hates it and lied because he didn't want to hurt your feelings. I'm talking a difference in morals, principles, and values you plan to raise your future children with. Things that helped build the foundation you thought your relationship was based on. Once those things come to the surface, you can't ignore them. No matter how much easier it would be.

It's also hard to understand that the one you love and is supposed to love you could be so deceiving! Hubby and I dated for a while before we got married. We knew each other even longer as friends. I thought I knew him. I really did! I knew his hobbies, his friends, his family, his favorite foods, even how many cavities he's had in his life. Come to find out, I didn't know any of the really important things. Like what he wanted to be when he grew up, how he felt about spiritual aspects of life, and what his plans are for our future. I knew what he led me to believe. When everything falls to crap, those are the first things to rear their ugly heads. You can't pretend forever.

Love can also disappear. When you're hurt time after time after time after time, you tend to build a wall around yourself. A wall that protects you from all the mean hurtful things that come flying at you; whether it's from him, your friends, his family, etc.. You build this wall to keep everyone else out so you can sit and wallow in your own self pity and no one knows. By cutting off ties with people and withdrawing yourself, you start to lose focus of important things. Priorities... they're just relevant anymore. Trying to save your marriage after it's blown up for the 10,000th time takes a backseat after a while. You just stop caring. It's easier to not care when you've been beaten down so many times. You don't get hurt if you don't give a fig about anything.

I think once you've progressed to surrounding yourself with the Great Wall of China, it's time to do some evaluating. You've got to try and break the wall down brick by brick. It'll be hard, but if you don't you'll only suffocate. Trust me, I know all about it. I spent years hiding myself from everyone. Sure I'd put on a brilliant smile when I was around other people, at parties, group or family events, even work. But really, I was bawling my eyes out inside. In order to deal with the turmoil around me, I isolated myself with him. I cut off the bulk of my friends, kept my distance from my family, and maintained a rigid routine. Wake up, work, school, homework, sleep. Wake up, work, school, homework, sleep. I'd tell people I didn't have time to get together, or I needed to catch up when things got settled down with work and school. The fact is, I had time. Or, at least I could have made it. When you're sitting at home crying into your pillow for hours a day, you have the time to spend laughing with the people who love and care about you. Who REALLY love and care about you. Not to say he didn't.. because I know he did. It just wasn't the type of love and care that's healthy and safe. The type that makes you warm and fuzzy inside. I think I've yet to find that type of love actually.

I can almost guarantee that none of this made much sense. It's a little scattered with thoughts fighting each other to be addressed first. I guess there's just a lot on my mind when it comes to the demise of my 6 year marriage. The "should-coulda-woulda's" and the "what-if's"... I hate them! You think you know what you're doing, and you've got everything figured out, but then you second guess yourself and screw up your whole thinking pattern all over again!

It'll be nice to have all of this behind me one day. Then I can look back and say "Well, at least you learned something valuable." I think that's what we're here for anyway. To learn and grow. Even if it sucks.