Did You Miss Me?

So, I know it's been a few weeks since I posted something, and I've got a really great excuse...

Ok that's a bunch of crap, I got nothing. My lack of posting is a combination of "I've been super busy" and "I don't feel like it". I'm terrible, I know. But I don't really care, so there you go.

Apart from my lack of motivation for much of anything, I've been feeling a little lost... Lost in my job, lost in my relationships with my friends, lost in my family, etc. It sucks! I've developed a sort of routine lately and I hate it. I lived a routine when things were bad with the hubby. Not to say they're bad right, now... just a little off.

I love my job! I love being "business-girl". I love my clients, my coworkers, most of the time the people I work for, and the new things I get to learn and do every day. I love being a resource for those around me and the successes I achieve for my coworkers and clients. While I love all these areas, I just feel kind of stuck. I feel like I'm not noticed for the strides I make, for the things I do that no one really knows about that make the whole office run, or for the mundane tasks I handle each day/week/month that people don't even see. Sometimes I feel like if I up and left, the whole place would fall apart because no one knows exactly what my job duties are.

I love my friends. Well, most of them. There's a situation with a current Facebook "friend" that I'm not sure about. If only I could figure out who the little nark is that ratted me out to people that were meant to stay in the dark. Anywho, I love my friends! I enjoy spending time with them, going on adventures, going to coffee shops, shopping, etc. My friends are my family and I rely on them a lot more than they probably think I do. Part of me thinks that's super unhealthy. I should be able to stand on my own two feet and not feel like I need to fill the evenings up with something to do so I don't lose my mind!

I even love my family. Most of the time. They drive me insane, but they're my family gosh dang it! Since the death of my father two years ago, we were supposed to become closer. My brother moved his family from 2500 miles away to be closer. They moved into my parent's house with my mom and sister. Things were supposed to be great right? WRONG!

While I love them to pieces, I have no idea where my place within my own family is anymore. Everyone lives at my mom's house but me. Little side note, I'm the youngest! WTF right?! Anywho, my brother lives in the basement apartment. My sister lives upstairs with my mom, and I live two minutes away with a roommate in our own house. Geographically, we're super-duper close. Sadly, we're really not.

I've been feeling like a huge outsider in my own family. I feel like I'm not included in things because I don't live at the house with everyone else. They go and do and I'm included either when they need something or want something, or when it's convenient. It's so annoying! I was looking through my phone at the text messages received between my siblings and me, and apart from a few various "I need this" or "remember to do that"; I haven't talked to them in weeks! It's past weeks, it's closer to months! It makes me sad.

Because of all these feelings of "where the eff is my life supposed to be going", I'm feeling like I need to start over somewhere. I know some of you will probably throw out the fact that it looks like I'd be "running away", and you're dang right! I would be running away! I'd be running away to somewhere I can get a fresh start, somewhere no one knows me or my past, somewhere I can break out of my comfort zone and experience new things, somewhere I can't be hurt because my family doesn't seem to give a crap. It's one thing to see each other every few months of so when you live far away, but a two minute drive up the street and around the corner is ridiculous! My whole thought process is: I wouldn't feel so bad and maybe they wouldn't feel so guilty if I lived out of state. Plus it's butt cold here now that winter has decided to settle in. I may have grown up in "The Last Frontier", but I hate being cold!

Obviously I really need to think all this through, but the "Sunny South" sounds fantastic right about now. Especially since I had to defrost my windshield this morning...