I got married super young (cough19cough). My whole world revolved around hubby, work, housework, cooking dinner, and attempting to spend time with friends and family. I was in my own little "love bubble" as I've heard it called and didn't care so much about the outside world because I was invincible and so was my marriage. I was going to live the Disney dream of "happily ever after". After all, all of the Disney princesses got their prince's right? That's just how it was supposed to be gosh dang it!
A few months into marriage, my dream was shattered! I'm not talking something in the mix broke and you can fix it with some superglue. Oh no! Someone took a bloody sledgehammer to it and there were splintered shards everywhere. Hubby fell into terrible rotten no good very bad habits and I was left to pick up the pieces of a broken heart. I held it together pretty well considering the circumstances. But it quickly placed me in the role of "mother/wife". Let me tell you I absolutely hated that. I am no one's mother, least of all a grown man's!
With that new role, I felt like I was babysitting all the time and constantly checking up on him. I had to make sure he made it to work without any hiccups. Check in at lunch time to see what he was up to. Call him when I left work on my way home to make sure he was either at home or on his way there. It was exhausting, frustrating, and I just wanted to cry all the time!
Even after all that, he still had slip ups. He'd lie about where he was, what time he got to places, and what he was doing. You should be able to trust your significant other right? Right! So what happens when you find out no matter how hard you try you just can't? You get obsessive compulsive about everything!
After discovering all the lies, Crazy Stephi came out. I'm not talking just a little more observant to things. No, no you naive little reader, it turned into a ridiculous mess that I honestly wouldn't wish on my very worst enemy.
I took his debit and credit cards and put him on an allowance every week. Even then I demanded receipts to verify what he purchased. I checked the odometer in his truck every morning and every night and if there was more than a 5-10 mile difference in his usual driving routine, crap hit the fan. I checked in with his dad several times a day since he worked for him to make sure he got to work on time, whether he left anywhere for lunch, and what time he left for the day. I timed my own schedule so that I could be home before him. I cut off all family and friends and threw myself head first into this rotating cycle of misery!
With that much watching and pressure, you're bound to blow up; and we did. He got sneakier about hiding things. He hooked up with his old "friends" and was able to work things out with them for what he wanted. He twisted things to make me sound like a terrible person so his family would cover for him. It was awful!
It was terrible for both of us. Instead of having a mutual partnership, we had a dictatorship and I hated it! I didn't want to be the one to make all the decisions about things. I didn't want to babysit my husband. I didn't want to feel like the mother of a "troubled" child. I didn't want to live like that. I wanted my hubby back!
It was roughly two or so years later when he really started to slip. I'd catch him doing stupid things. Catch him in lies. Catch him in phone calls with people he shouldn't have been talking to, etc. I started to notice things around the house. Stuff would be missing or out of place. Things were thrown haphazardly around as if someone was searching for something. I'd find things in his pockets when I'd do laundry, etc.
Ignorance is bliss and I tried to ignore the blaring signs that things were bad again. I really did. I'd get belligerent and defensive when someone would question his behavior or mine. I eventually quit talking to some people because all they ever did was bring things up and ask questions I didn't want to answer. But one day while sorting clothes and checking pockets for bobby pins, loose change, or gum wrappers, I found something I couldn't ignore anymore. I remember sitting on the floor in the laundry room of our house and bawling. That night when he got home was a long, painful, scream filled battle of wills. He ended up leaving and going to his parent's house for a few days so we could get some time apart and figure out if we wanted to save what was left of our shattered marriage.
I should have walked away. I should have taken my losses, cut ties, packed up my stuff, and filed papers that week. But I didn't. It's true you do stupid things when you love someone. He ended up coming home and we decided to talk to our church leader about marriage counseling. We were both willing to do whatever it took to make things work. Divorce wasn't an option at the time.
We went to counseling a total of 5 times over the course of our 6 year marriage. While I think counseling is a wonderful thing and can change the lives of many, I don't think it's for everyone. I don't think it's something to throw all your hopes and dreams into either. Because if it fails, it leaves a nasty bitter taste in your mouth and makes you never want to try it again.
Things with counseling didn't turn out so great and we opted for a more drastic plan. Hubby packed up and moved 2 hours away to attend a program for a few months. There he was able to go through intensive therapy, find out why he did some of the things he did, and work through the baggage of his childhood and teenage years, and gain some perspective on where he wanted his life to be.
When he got home, it was a night and day difference with him. Things were great! He was making huge progress and the future started to look bright again. Then he slipped. He was good about getting himself back on track and for a few months he held strong. Then he slipped again, and again, and again. But this time, he didn't get back up. He got worse and I got worse and we ended up back at square one. I knew this time was it. I was done. A person can only take so much before you lose it.
There comes a time when you hit rock bottom and realize you need to call it. My rock bottom was when I cut my hand in my sleep on the knife I kept under my pillow for protection "just in case". I've never told anyone that. It's strange how blogging can help make you more honest with your feelings...
After I left, hubby went and moved in with his sister. I packed up our whole house and put everything in storage. I moved in with a friend and tried to hold it together while figuring out my next plan. Did I want to file for divorce right away? Give it some time to make sure it really was the end? Attempt counseling one more time? What did I want to do?
I ended up doing nothing. I decided to allow myself some time to catch my breath and just be. I went to work like normal. I came home and sat in the living room with my roomie at night. I went downstairs to my room and cried myself to sleep. That was my routine for the first few weeks.
Hubby and I talked every once in a while on the phone. He went back to counseling on his own to work through some things after getting arrested (we'll save that story for another time) and was making progress again. But the damage had been done, and no matter what amount of progress was made, our relationship couldn't be saved.
We've talked several times about divorce. Neither one of us has really brought it up in the context of actually filing the legal paperwork. We both know it's imminent, but we're not in a big rush. It creates a lot of anxiety for me to think about it. See earlier post.
It's been almost a year since we split up. We see each other every now and then. We decided that we were friends once upon a time and even though our marriage didn't work out we could be friends still. We'll talk on the phone or text a couple times a week. We've worked through a lot of the bad issues and have finally reached the point now in our friendship that we can laugh again. Sometimes the funniest conversations I have all week are with him. Don't get me wrong, there's not a snowball's chance in Hell we'll get back together, but it's almost nice to know that he can still have a part in my life. He's always been a great friend and I think that's where he really should have been all along. Against all odds, sometimes I think you really can be "just friends". Time will only tell.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Thursday, October 13, 2011
What Is Wrong With People?!
I have a confession to make. I get annoyed with stupid people. It's not a small annoyance like an eye roll or a scoff. It's sometimes an annoyance so bad I have to physically and mentally restrain myself from saying or doing something I might wish I hadn't done later.
I get super annoyed by people who do things to not only screw up their lives, but the lives of those around them. The whole, "It's my life I can do what I want" mentality has got to GO! It's not just your life you're ruining you idiot! It's the family, friends, and even strangers that actually give a crap about you that you affect. I'm not immune to my own pet peeves. I can guarantee there have been times in my life where I've been that stupid and naive. They don't happen often, but I'm big enough to admit they happen. I at least learn from my stupidity and try to never again repeat it. Others on the other hand, are ridiculous and I want to smack them upside their knobby looking heads and pray it knocks some sense around. Here is a great example for you.
*Name has been changed to protect idiot's identity*
Once upon a time, I knew this girl named *Bianca. Bianca was a great girl with a wonderful life ahead of her. She had a sweet job that was fairly flexible with her work hours, she was in college working towards her degree in Education, financially responsible, lived on her own with a roommate, just bought a new car that was more reliable, etc. Girl seemed like she had all her crap together right? Well she did. Keyword there was "DID". Now... not so much! I still to this day am unsure how she spiraled so far out of control so quickly. It was like overnight! It's been a year now, but still.
One day she randomly started hanging out with this group of people that probably were not the best. I'm talking druggies, drinkers, sit on the couch all day playing video games because they're too lazy to get a job, moochers. Suddenly you couldn't find Bianca anymore. She'd skip class to hang out with these people and play video games. She started trying drugs and drinking more to feel like she belonged with this new crowd. It escalated to the point she was staying out all night and hooking up with random people she'd just met. What happened to the girl who had her head on straight?! Stupidity that's what happened!
She got so involved with these people that she quit her job, dropped out of school, and started living on the couch at whoever's house would let her stay for a few days. What a terrible life! Her new car got repo'd, she racked up credit card debt out the wazoo, and was begging for money from anyone that would still give her the time of day. She burned so many bridges with the people that loved her, that now... no one really cares. Sure we'd be sad if something happened to her, but I'm not about to go drop $1,700 and bail her out of jail. Once upon a time...maybe, but now she can kiss my rear end!
The funny thing about stupid people and their path of self-destruction is you never really know when their rock bottom is going to hit. You think it's coming and you prepare yourself for the imminent impact, but lo and behold! It was just a shadow in the way because they kept right on falling. What sucks is 90% of the time you can see where this epic failure in common sense is going to lead them, but they're so belligerent and determined to live their own lives that they won't listen to save themselves. Thus was the case with Bianca.
She bounced around from house to house, from shady apartment to camping tent, and all the other awful places in between for a year. She'd shack up with creepy, dirty, nasty men just trying to fill some void of self-acceptance. At one point after meeting this guy for a month or so, announced she was getting married. We were all shocked! Are you serious?! You've known him for a few weeks and think he's "the one"?! Whatever crazy girl.
Soon enough, that doomed relationship ended and we waited for her to wake up and get herself back together. Sadly, that didn't happen. She went back to the deadbeat loser that introduced her to all the drugs and drinking and got herself knocked up. I have no idea how they think they're going to support themselves and a child. Honestly, I have no clue whose couch they're currently sleeping on! What I do know, is that she's now ruined her life!
She and this guy are together one second, and then they're not and she's shacked up with someone else. That ends, and she comes crawling back to him. He's emotionally abusive, won't get a job because it interferes with his video gaming, and has no desire to do much of anything with his life. She's having a child with this CHILD! He's got no desire to grow up and provide for a family. The thing about having a baby with someone is they're going to be a part of YOUR life forever! Did she not realize that? It's not like you can break up and walk away and never talk again. No, you have to tolerate each other for the sake of your child. You have to discuss custody issues, who gets the child on what holiday, can they or can they not take the kid on vacation in another state/country, agree on a school district, etc. Things that honestly, I doubt she's thought about...
I think the thing that frustrates me the most about this whole situation with Bianca, is she did the pregnancy on purpose. She wanted to have something that would love her and that she could love. That makes me both annoyed and sad. Sad because she felt she needed something to make her feel important in life, something that no matter what she did would love her, and something that depended on her for everything. There are other ways to feel that, you don't need to involve an innocent child.
Speaking of that innocent child; no child should be brought into the world under those circumstances! That's what annoys me the most. She's not even close to being prepared for motherhood. She can't even take care of herself, let alone a child. Her relationship with this crazy fool is far from stable, she's still bouncing around from place to place, and I highly doubt she's thought the next 19 years out. A baby is not the same as a puppy! You can't get one, decide it's not for you and give it back. You are emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and financially responsible for this human life until they reach 18 years old. Even then, you're still tied to them because it's your child! Oh my goodness I want to slap her so bad!
Part of this frustration is probably from the fact that I love and want kids but know I'm not at a place in my life for them. I thought getting married so young, I'd start a family with the hubby early and life would be great! That didn't turn out the way I'd hoped it would. But the thing is, I know and realize that I'm not ready for them right now. For one, I don't have a baby daddy. Granted I could probably go along this journey alone and there are many brave and wonderful women who do, but why would I do that? I want the absolute best for my children. I want them to have loving parents who adore them and will move Hell and high water to protect them and provide for them. I want an amazing partner in crime who will not only help me raise them to be respectable members of society, but embarrass the crap out of them on their first day of school, first date, first boy/girlfriend, first kiss, etc. So, I'll wait until I can give them that. I love my future children enough to make sure I'm prepared to give them the life they deserve.
Sometimes being a responsible adult is hard work. I can only hope it's worth it in the end!
I get super annoyed by people who do things to not only screw up their lives, but the lives of those around them. The whole, "It's my life I can do what I want" mentality has got to GO! It's not just your life you're ruining you idiot! It's the family, friends, and even strangers that actually give a crap about you that you affect. I'm not immune to my own pet peeves. I can guarantee there have been times in my life where I've been that stupid and naive. They don't happen often, but I'm big enough to admit they happen. I at least learn from my stupidity and try to never again repeat it. Others on the other hand, are ridiculous and I want to smack them upside their knobby looking heads and pray it knocks some sense around. Here is a great example for you.
*Name has been changed to protect idiot's identity*
Once upon a time, I knew this girl named *Bianca. Bianca was a great girl with a wonderful life ahead of her. She had a sweet job that was fairly flexible with her work hours, she was in college working towards her degree in Education, financially responsible, lived on her own with a roommate, just bought a new car that was more reliable, etc. Girl seemed like she had all her crap together right? Well she did. Keyword there was "DID". Now... not so much! I still to this day am unsure how she spiraled so far out of control so quickly. It was like overnight! It's been a year now, but still.
One day she randomly started hanging out with this group of people that probably were not the best. I'm talking druggies, drinkers, sit on the couch all day playing video games because they're too lazy to get a job, moochers. Suddenly you couldn't find Bianca anymore. She'd skip class to hang out with these people and play video games. She started trying drugs and drinking more to feel like she belonged with this new crowd. It escalated to the point she was staying out all night and hooking up with random people she'd just met. What happened to the girl who had her head on straight?! Stupidity that's what happened!
She got so involved with these people that she quit her job, dropped out of school, and started living on the couch at whoever's house would let her stay for a few days. What a terrible life! Her new car got repo'd, she racked up credit card debt out the wazoo, and was begging for money from anyone that would still give her the time of day. She burned so many bridges with the people that loved her, that now... no one really cares. Sure we'd be sad if something happened to her, but I'm not about to go drop $1,700 and bail her out of jail. Once upon a time...maybe, but now she can kiss my rear end!
The funny thing about stupid people and their path of self-destruction is you never really know when their rock bottom is going to hit. You think it's coming and you prepare yourself for the imminent impact, but lo and behold! It was just a shadow in the way because they kept right on falling. What sucks is 90% of the time you can see where this epic failure in common sense is going to lead them, but they're so belligerent and determined to live their own lives that they won't listen to save themselves. Thus was the case with Bianca.
She bounced around from house to house, from shady apartment to camping tent, and all the other awful places in between for a year. She'd shack up with creepy, dirty, nasty men just trying to fill some void of self-acceptance. At one point after meeting this guy for a month or so, announced she was getting married. We were all shocked! Are you serious?! You've known him for a few weeks and think he's "the one"?! Whatever crazy girl.
Soon enough, that doomed relationship ended and we waited for her to wake up and get herself back together. Sadly, that didn't happen. She went back to the deadbeat loser that introduced her to all the drugs and drinking and got herself knocked up. I have no idea how they think they're going to support themselves and a child. Honestly, I have no clue whose couch they're currently sleeping on! What I do know, is that she's now ruined her life!
She and this guy are together one second, and then they're not and she's shacked up with someone else. That ends, and she comes crawling back to him. He's emotionally abusive, won't get a job because it interferes with his video gaming, and has no desire to do much of anything with his life. She's having a child with this CHILD! He's got no desire to grow up and provide for a family. The thing about having a baby with someone is they're going to be a part of YOUR life forever! Did she not realize that? It's not like you can break up and walk away and never talk again. No, you have to tolerate each other for the sake of your child. You have to discuss custody issues, who gets the child on what holiday, can they or can they not take the kid on vacation in another state/country, agree on a school district, etc. Things that honestly, I doubt she's thought about...
I think the thing that frustrates me the most about this whole situation with Bianca, is she did the pregnancy on purpose. She wanted to have something that would love her and that she could love. That makes me both annoyed and sad. Sad because she felt she needed something to make her feel important in life, something that no matter what she did would love her, and something that depended on her for everything. There are other ways to feel that, you don't need to involve an innocent child.
Speaking of that innocent child; no child should be brought into the world under those circumstances! That's what annoys me the most. She's not even close to being prepared for motherhood. She can't even take care of herself, let alone a child. Her relationship with this crazy fool is far from stable, she's still bouncing around from place to place, and I highly doubt she's thought the next 19 years out. A baby is not the same as a puppy! You can't get one, decide it's not for you and give it back. You are emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and financially responsible for this human life until they reach 18 years old. Even then, you're still tied to them because it's your child! Oh my goodness I want to slap her so bad!
Part of this frustration is probably from the fact that I love and want kids but know I'm not at a place in my life for them. I thought getting married so young, I'd start a family with the hubby early and life would be great! That didn't turn out the way I'd hoped it would. But the thing is, I know and realize that I'm not ready for them right now. For one, I don't have a baby daddy. Granted I could probably go along this journey alone and there are many brave and wonderful women who do, but why would I do that? I want the absolute best for my children. I want them to have loving parents who adore them and will move Hell and high water to protect them and provide for them. I want an amazing partner in crime who will not only help me raise them to be respectable members of society, but embarrass the crap out of them on their first day of school, first date, first boy/girlfriend, first kiss, etc. So, I'll wait until I can give them that. I love my future children enough to make sure I'm prepared to give them the life they deserve.
Sometimes being a responsible adult is hard work. I can only hope it's worth it in the end!
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Just A Few Thoughts...
This week we're going to stray a bit from the humours side of my inner thoughts and dive head first into a serious and sensitive subject that's been weighing on my mind for several weeks if not months. It's possible I just need to work these thoughts out here rather than continuing to tackle them in the jumble that is my mind.
As mentioned in a previous post, I'm getting a divorce. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I know it's a good thing, and it's something that's necessary, but still... it's an almost taboo topic and there are not many people I can talk to about it with. Sure, my family and friends would probably be fine to discuss it with and would love to offer their thoughts and opinions, but that's part of the problem. I'm sure there are good intentions, but I don't want them.
I don't want the bashing that tends to follow when his name is brought up. I don't want to trapeze down scary Memory Lane after you've made some snarky comment. Just because you don't like him, doesn't mean you need to trash him to me. I know who he is. I know what he's done; far better than any of you in fact. Hell, I lived with him for 6 years! But, just because I know what's happened, where things have gone to crap, and where things are at now... it doesn't mean I don't still care about him. There I said it. I STILL care about him so shut your face!
I shouldn't. I already know this, so save your lecture. It's not even like THAT either. I care about him as a person and a friend. After all, we were friends far before we were hubby and wife. There's probably a part of me that will always care about him. I mean, I don't LOVE him anymore, but I don't wish him ill will either. There's a grey line, ya know?
I guess it's just hard. It's hard to cut someone out of your life that's had such a monumental impact on it. We've been together for 6 years. That's six times as long as most Hollywood marriages! That means something, dang it! Granted there were crazy battles in this relationship, but there were also great victories too. We've been through a lot together and it's really hard to see that it'll come to an end. But, there's not really a choice. It has to. Right?
I always thought people who "fell out of love" were full of rap. How do you go from madly in love and can't keep your hands off each other to separate vacations and "eff you!"? How in the world does that happen?! Sadly, having gone through it myself, it's pretty easy. It can take a long time to get to that point, or it can happen really fast. But once you open your eyes to things, it's impossible to close them again.
There are so many things that make up a healthy relationship. Many things that hubby and I lack now. Things that have either disappeared, were lost, or were never there to begin with. I think that's the hardest part to accept. That what once was... may have never even been.
It's hard to think that there were parts of your marriage that were lies. Huge, HUGE lies! Not stupid little things, like you thought he liked BBQ chicken only to discover two years in that he hates it and lied because he didn't want to hurt your feelings. I'm talking a difference in morals, principles, and values you plan to raise your future children with. Things that helped build the foundation you thought your relationship was based on. Once those things come to the surface, you can't ignore them. No matter how much easier it would be.
It's also hard to understand that the one you love and is supposed to love you could be so deceiving! Hubby and I dated for a while before we got married. We knew each other even longer as friends. I thought I knew him. I really did! I knew his hobbies, his friends, his family, his favorite foods, even how many cavities he's had in his life. Come to find out, I didn't know any of the really important things. Like what he wanted to be when he grew up, how he felt about spiritual aspects of life, and what his plans are for our future. I knew what he led me to believe. When everything falls to crap, those are the first things to rear their ugly heads. You can't pretend forever.
Love can also disappear. When you're hurt time after time after time after time, you tend to build a wall around yourself. A wall that protects you from all the mean hurtful things that come flying at you; whether it's from him, your friends, his family, etc.. You build this wall to keep everyone else out so you can sit and wallow in your own self pity and no one knows. By cutting off ties with people and withdrawing yourself, you start to lose focus of important things. Priorities... they're just relevant anymore. Trying to save your marriage after it's blown up for the 10,000th time takes a backseat after a while. You just stop caring. It's easier to not care when you've been beaten down so many times. You don't get hurt if you don't give a fig about anything.
I think once you've progressed to surrounding yourself with the Great Wall of China, it's time to do some evaluating. You've got to try and break the wall down brick by brick. It'll be hard, but if you don't you'll only suffocate. Trust me, I know all about it. I spent years hiding myself from everyone. Sure I'd put on a brilliant smile when I was around other people, at parties, group or family events, even work. But really, I was bawling my eyes out inside. In order to deal with the turmoil around me, I isolated myself with him. I cut off the bulk of my friends, kept my distance from my family, and maintained a rigid routine. Wake up, work, school, homework, sleep. Wake up, work, school, homework, sleep. I'd tell people I didn't have time to get together, or I needed to catch up when things got settled down with work and school. The fact is, I had time. Or, at least I could have made it. When you're sitting at home crying into your pillow for hours a day, you have the time to spend laughing with the people who love and care about you. Who REALLY love and care about you. Not to say he didn't.. because I know he did. It just wasn't the type of love and care that's healthy and safe. The type that makes you warm and fuzzy inside. I think I've yet to find that type of love actually.
I can almost guarantee that none of this made much sense. It's a little scattered with thoughts fighting each other to be addressed first. I guess there's just a lot on my mind when it comes to the demise of my 6 year marriage. The "should-coulda-woulda's" and the "what-if's"... I hate them! You think you know what you're doing, and you've got everything figured out, but then you second guess yourself and screw up your whole thinking pattern all over again!
It'll be nice to have all of this behind me one day. Then I can look back and say "Well, at least you learned something valuable." I think that's what we're here for anyway. To learn and grow. Even if it sucks.
As mentioned in a previous post, I'm getting a divorce. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I know it's a good thing, and it's something that's necessary, but still... it's an almost taboo topic and there are not many people I can talk to about it with. Sure, my family and friends would probably be fine to discuss it with and would love to offer their thoughts and opinions, but that's part of the problem. I'm sure there are good intentions, but I don't want them.
I don't want the bashing that tends to follow when his name is brought up. I don't want to trapeze down scary Memory Lane after you've made some snarky comment. Just because you don't like him, doesn't mean you need to trash him to me. I know who he is. I know what he's done; far better than any of you in fact. Hell, I lived with him for 6 years! But, just because I know what's happened, where things have gone to crap, and where things are at now... it doesn't mean I don't still care about him. There I said it. I STILL care about him so shut your face!
I shouldn't. I already know this, so save your lecture. It's not even like THAT either. I care about him as a person and a friend. After all, we were friends far before we were hubby and wife. There's probably a part of me that will always care about him. I mean, I don't LOVE him anymore, but I don't wish him ill will either. There's a grey line, ya know?
I guess it's just hard. It's hard to cut someone out of your life that's had such a monumental impact on it. We've been together for 6 years. That's six times as long as most Hollywood marriages! That means something, dang it! Granted there were crazy battles in this relationship, but there were also great victories too. We've been through a lot together and it's really hard to see that it'll come to an end. But, there's not really a choice. It has to. Right?
I always thought people who "fell out of love" were full of rap. How do you go from madly in love and can't keep your hands off each other to separate vacations and "eff you!"? How in the world does that happen?! Sadly, having gone through it myself, it's pretty easy. It can take a long time to get to that point, or it can happen really fast. But once you open your eyes to things, it's impossible to close them again.
There are so many things that make up a healthy relationship. Many things that hubby and I lack now. Things that have either disappeared, were lost, or were never there to begin with. I think that's the hardest part to accept. That what once was... may have never even been.
It's hard to think that there were parts of your marriage that were lies. Huge, HUGE lies! Not stupid little things, like you thought he liked BBQ chicken only to discover two years in that he hates it and lied because he didn't want to hurt your feelings. I'm talking a difference in morals, principles, and values you plan to raise your future children with. Things that helped build the foundation you thought your relationship was based on. Once those things come to the surface, you can't ignore them. No matter how much easier it would be.
It's also hard to understand that the one you love and is supposed to love you could be so deceiving! Hubby and I dated for a while before we got married. We knew each other even longer as friends. I thought I knew him. I really did! I knew his hobbies, his friends, his family, his favorite foods, even how many cavities he's had in his life. Come to find out, I didn't know any of the really important things. Like what he wanted to be when he grew up, how he felt about spiritual aspects of life, and what his plans are for our future. I knew what he led me to believe. When everything falls to crap, those are the first things to rear their ugly heads. You can't pretend forever.
Love can also disappear. When you're hurt time after time after time after time, you tend to build a wall around yourself. A wall that protects you from all the mean hurtful things that come flying at you; whether it's from him, your friends, his family, etc.. You build this wall to keep everyone else out so you can sit and wallow in your own self pity and no one knows. By cutting off ties with people and withdrawing yourself, you start to lose focus of important things. Priorities... they're just relevant anymore. Trying to save your marriage after it's blown up for the 10,000th time takes a backseat after a while. You just stop caring. It's easier to not care when you've been beaten down so many times. You don't get hurt if you don't give a fig about anything.
I think once you've progressed to surrounding yourself with the Great Wall of China, it's time to do some evaluating. You've got to try and break the wall down brick by brick. It'll be hard, but if you don't you'll only suffocate. Trust me, I know all about it. I spent years hiding myself from everyone. Sure I'd put on a brilliant smile when I was around other people, at parties, group or family events, even work. But really, I was bawling my eyes out inside. In order to deal with the turmoil around me, I isolated myself with him. I cut off the bulk of my friends, kept my distance from my family, and maintained a rigid routine. Wake up, work, school, homework, sleep. Wake up, work, school, homework, sleep. I'd tell people I didn't have time to get together, or I needed to catch up when things got settled down with work and school. The fact is, I had time. Or, at least I could have made it. When you're sitting at home crying into your pillow for hours a day, you have the time to spend laughing with the people who love and care about you. Who REALLY love and care about you. Not to say he didn't.. because I know he did. It just wasn't the type of love and care that's healthy and safe. The type that makes you warm and fuzzy inside. I think I've yet to find that type of love actually.
I can almost guarantee that none of this made much sense. It's a little scattered with thoughts fighting each other to be addressed first. I guess there's just a lot on my mind when it comes to the demise of my 6 year marriage. The "should-coulda-woulda's" and the "what-if's"... I hate them! You think you know what you're doing, and you've got everything figured out, but then you second guess yourself and screw up your whole thinking pattern all over again!
It'll be nice to have all of this behind me one day. Then I can look back and say "Well, at least you learned something valuable." I think that's what we're here for anyway. To learn and grow. Even if it sucks.
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